What do you do when your motivation's gone? But what do you do when you didn't have any to begin with? Who do you turn to, where do you go? I can't stay but have nowhere to go and no one to turn to. My friends would say I do, but it's not true. My life is one vicious circle after another, linked together like the Olympic Rings.
Why am I even blogging when no one will read it? And no one should - I'm boring as hell. Nothing exciting happens to me, my life is very mundane. Blogging for me was an easier way of journaling because I suck at it. I can write novels but I can't journal. Why should I bother?
Why should I bother finding a job when all I get is a "thank you, but no"? Even with jobs where full training is given. I got a rejection letter this morning from a clothes store. I'm tired of thank you but no's! Some actress I'd make if I'm not prepared to take rejection. I am always prepared for rejection, but I'm just fucking tired of it.
Thing is, I'm not doing much good by sitting on my ass doing nothing. It's not that I don't want to get out there, there's just nothing out there that's calling to me to make me get off this chair and out the door. That sounds like I'm waiting for people to come to me, but that's not what I'm doing. I know what I've got to do, but it's hard.
I don't like it out there, being outside scares me - that's because I think I may have watched too much Crimewatch. But I hate going outside because of people - I think people judge me when they walk past me because I have a stomach that makes me look a few months pregnant and I don't want people thinking that. I also hate talking to people in the street when they ask me what I've been up to - a polite, reasonable question, but I want people to mind their own damn business!
Don't ask me where I see myself in 5years time, don't ask me what I want to do because I have no fucking clue!
I feel like I've wasted six years of my life dedicating it to the Arts. I adore theatre and Musical Theatre, I love it, but it's not a stable enough career. My other passion is writing and even that's not a stable career. I hate myself for it! I wish the need to sing and act would go away! Leave my soul, leave my body, leave my mind and never come back! It causes me nothing but trouble.
I don't want to do waitressing and bar work for the rest of my life. So I'm completely lost and I don't have anyone who will understand. Not even my mother, and for the majority of her adult life she'd been a drifter like me. I can't talk to anyone without bursting into tears and I need to stop being so sensitive! I hate crying because it shows how vulnerable and weak I am.
I want to explore my spirituality, but being where I am now I'm trapped. I can read and read and read, but it's not the same as doing it. And my situation doesn't allow me the space to do so. The only space I have to myself is my bedroom and you can't explore spiritualism in a box. I want to be loud and proud about it, but I can't because it's sensitive ground where lots of people (unfortunately) are ignorant. I hope that will change.
You know what I feel like? Disappearing and disappearing forever. Thing is, I'm too much of a coward to do it. And I have made commitments that I have to fulfill.
So what am I to do? Am I being selfish, self-pitying? If I am, then I already hate myself even more for being so.
I don't know what to do.
