Ok, now what?

Now Maskerade is over... now what? Questioning the next production (whether to do it), I have nothing to rant about, nothing of any value to do (yet)... so what to do? Ok, at the time of typing I'm watching a documentary about lost cities of Egypt. It's fascinating - this archaeologist has used an infra-red satellite to look under the surface of the Egyptian desert and whatnot and there's all sorts of pyramids, labyrinths, temples and cities underneath the surface of the sand. It's amazingly interesting.
Turns out someone I know has read this blog and I have to say it's a little embarrassing, but hey, someone read it so I can't complain. I am going to mention here that I am writing something that I may want this person to be involved in once/if it's ready. I'm not going to go into details because I do not want this person to read it and ask questions. I'm glad my boyfriend hasn't got time to stalk me on the internet b/c he's jealous of this person (a little) and would not be all that enthusiastic about my plan.
Had a great bank holiday full of parties and lie-ins and a tacky early evening in Gt. Yarmouth. The donuts were worth the trip through the rain.
With nothing more interesting to say, I'll say bye for now!

A Waste of a Life

What do you do when your motivation's gone? But what do you do when you didn't have any to begin with? Who do you turn to, where do you go? I can't stay but have nowhere to go and no one to turn to. My friends would say I do, but it's not true. My life is one vicious circle after another, linked together like the Olympic Rings.

Why am I even blogging when no one will read it? And no one should - I'm boring as hell. Nothing exciting happens to me, my life is very mundane. Blogging for me was an easier way of journaling because I suck at it. I can write novels but I can't journal. Why should I bother?

Why should I bother finding a job when all I get is a "thank you, but no"? Even with jobs where full training is given. I got a rejection letter this morning from a clothes store. I'm tired of thank you but no's! Some actress I'd make if I'm not prepared to take rejection. I am always prepared for rejection, but I'm just fucking tired of it.

Thing is, I'm not doing much good by sitting on my ass doing nothing. It's not that I don't want to get out there, there's just nothing out there that's calling to me to make me get off this chair and out the door. That sounds like I'm waiting for people to come to me, but that's not what I'm doing. I know what I've got to do, but it's hard. 

I don't like it out there, being outside scares me - that's because I think I may have watched too much Crimewatch. But I hate going outside because of people - I think people judge me when they walk past me because I have a stomach that makes me look a few months pregnant and I don't want people thinking that. I also hate talking to people in the street when they ask me what I've been up to - a polite, reasonable question, but I want people to mind their own damn business!

Don't ask me where I see myself in 5years time, don't ask me what I want to do because I have no fucking clue!

I feel like I've wasted six years of my life dedicating it to the Arts. I adore theatre and Musical Theatre, I love it, but it's not a stable enough career. My other passion is writing and even that's not a stable career. I hate myself for it! I wish the need to sing and act would go away! Leave my soul, leave my body, leave my mind and never come back! It causes me nothing but trouble.

I don't want to do waitressing and bar work for the rest of my life. So I'm completely lost and I don't have anyone who will understand. Not even my mother, and for the majority of her adult life she'd been a drifter like me. I can't talk to anyone without bursting into tears and I need to stop being so sensitive! I hate crying because it shows how vulnerable and weak I am.

I want to explore my spirituality, but being where I am now I'm trapped. I can read and read and read, but it's not the same as doing it. And my situation doesn't allow me the space to do so. The only space I have to myself is my bedroom and you can't explore spiritualism in a box. I want to be loud and proud about it, but I can't because it's sensitive ground where lots of people (unfortunately) are ignorant. I hope that will change.

You know what I feel like? Disappearing and disappearing forever. Thing is, I'm too much of a coward to do it. And I have made commitments that I have to fulfill.

So what am I to do? Am I being selfish, self-pitying? If I am, then I already hate myself even more for being so.

I don't know what to do.

January

January is busy for anyone, but seriously, I have been rushed off my feet. Today was my first day off all month.
Here's the 411: I got 2nd job in marketing, but didn't like it so I left yesterday. The reason being I didn't like the work. There were some great people there, but the job just wasn't the right one for me.
I've also been rehearsing for Christmas Carol and opening night is tomorrow!!!!!! I am so excited and a little nervous, but anybody would be.
I am going to audition for the spring show (to be performed in May) which will be Maskerade, an adaptation of the Terry Pratchett novel of the same name. It's basically a parody of Phantom of the Opera, and it's hilarious. I recommend people read the Discworld novels just because of their wit. I started the first one The Colour of Magic and I loved it. I need to finish it though. I hope I get a nice part. I liked my Christmas Carol part, and I hope I really like my Maskerade part.
Also been working on vampyre story and things are going... things are progressing. We're getting there.
Wow, I summed up my month in a couple of paragraphs. Hmmm... I need to get busier.

It's 2011!!!

And I have been busy! I'm rehearsing A Christmas Carol (which seems inappropriate now it's no longer Christmas), I'm writing and I'm job searching. And I'm busy for the rest of the month with all of this stuff.
Watched Scott Pilgrim vs The World for the first time yesterday (I know I'm sooo behind the times, so sue me) and it was AWESOME! I love Shaun of the Dead so for me it was another Edgar Wright masterpiece.
So, Christmas was great. Got what I wanted and more - I love surprises. I got 3 books and I've already read 2 of them. They're The Fledgling Handbook (from the House of Night series), L Change the World (a Death Note spin-off book) and Clockwork Angel. The former two are the ones I've read in case you were wondering.
Oh yeah, got a hula hoop for Christmas so I'm going to use it to help trim the waistline.
I fear I'm becoming either an insomniac or a vampyre. For the last few nights I've been staying up till after 3am talking to one of my friends in America and after I've said goodnight and get into bed, I'm not tired. I do get to sleep, but it takes me a while. Hmmm, will have to look out for other signs. I know I'm writing a vampyre novel, but that doesn't mean I should start acting like one.